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The Point

That first night with my crush down at the point may have been the first time that we went down there together, but it wouldn’t be our last. In fact we went back two days later and did nearly the same thing but with a different group of people.

There was a boy in our group of friends who I had no idea, liked me and he was there that night just like he was there two nights before. I didn’t know then and I wouldn’t know for another month about his feelings and so as not to leave you in search of an answer, nothing came of them. But it did pose a slight problem when it came to making a move on my crush.

The boy and I were close and we had kissed before during a game. But I didn’t see him in any way other than as a friend. However, to everybody else in our group, it looked like I was flirting with him. It was actually the opposite of this.

When I get comfortable with a person I have no problem with sharing clothes and food with them. And the same could be said for him. The first time that we had gone down to the point, he and I had ended up swapping our uniforms which we were supposed to wear in two days when people came. But the fact that we switched on the night that we did meant that we would then have to wear the other’s uniform when people came. This led not only to my crush thinking that I liked my friend, but also other staff members and groups who had come to stay were led to the same conclusion.

He was a cool guy, don’t get me wrong. He was sweet and funny, but at the same time he wasn’t going to let you get away with being an asshole. He called things how he saw them and he is a good friend. But that didn’t change the way that I felt about him.

Now that you have a bit more context on the situation, I will get back to the point (see what I did there?).

The next night that we went as a group, we stayed in a clearing and I ended up bringing a blanket and food down. However I forgot to bring coffee which was a staple if i was going to stay down there while the rest of the group did. So a new hire and I ended up going back up to the cabin and while we walked I was telling him about my crush. I never mentioned a name, but the guy clued in pretty quickly and told me, “wow, it sounds like you’re really falling for the guy.” to which I responded with a quick “no I’m not”. I didn’t know it then, but I was falling for the guy and quite hard might I add.

We eventually got my coffee and went back down to rejoin our group of coworkers who were talking. We sat back down and I eventually ended up giving my friend who everyone thought I liked my blanket and some coffee. After a bit of sharing back and forth with my coffee, another one of my friends pulled me aside and told me how much it looked like I was hitting on the kid. She told me that I needed to share with my crush as well and I listened to her.

I went back over to the guys and I offered him some coffee. He took some and we went back to our conversation.

After a few hours the friend who people thought I liked ended up laying down in my blanket and I ended up with my head on his stomach, my crush with his head on his back and we were all falling sleep. I was sleep deprived and uncomfortable so I turned around and poked my crush’s back. When he asked what I was doing I told him, “Your back isn’t comfy.”. In response to this he told me to hold on and I watched as he sat up and took his jacket off then proceeded to lay back down and put it on his back.

It was adorable and considerate and I didn’t know what to do for a moment. But once i figured it out, I poked his back again and told him that it was better. I still wasn’t quite sure what to do, but I was tired and not thinking straight which lead me to move to the other side of our friend and lay my head on my crush’s back.

We stayed like that for a while and then we were getting ready to head our separate ways. But before we did that I did the most girly thing known to man and I “stole” his jacket. It was cold and I offered it back to him, but he wouldn’t take it. And that is how I ended up wearing a jacket that was at least three sizes to big for me to flags the next morning.

That was a big night not only for me, but also for our relationship that was soon to come. It was when he started to realize that I liked him because I did the following:

  • Asked him if he was straight and when he replied with “yes”  I told him “good”
  • Said that I was only 85% gay
  • Cuddled onto him
  • Stole his jacket

That night was one of the best nights that I had this summer. And it was all about getting straight to the point.

 

Growing Up

I’ve come to realize a few things this summer.

  1. You can’t put a label on everything and tuck it neatly away into a box.
  2. Sometimes you need the right person to open up to.
  3. Old habits die hard.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this in a different post, but I got a job this summer. I spent everyday of the past six weeks at a summer camp. It was a difficult decision to make as to whether or not I would take the job, but once I did I didn’t regret it.

The first two weeks were pretty rough, home sickness hit me hard. But then I eventually found my own little group of friends.

It started with a few of us hanging out at night and playing games. Then it slowly turned towards me trying to get the attention of a certain individual.  He was tall with red hair and a gift when it came to guitar. He was the absolute opposite of me in almost every way imaginable.

Where I was loud when it came to my friends, he was quiet. Where I listened to punk rock and rap, he listened to Pink Guy and Chainsmokers. But most importantly, where I was presumably gay, he was undeniably straight.

Now you may be thinking, “Wait, did she just say presumably gay?”. And to that, my dear reader, I say yes. I the gayest of the gays, have fallen for a male.

It was not an easy conclusion to come to. In fact, I put off admitting it to myself for quite some time before I finally started to think about it. I always brushed it off as just really liking his personality and wanting to get to know him as a friend. But I admitted it to someone else first and once it was out in the open, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

It wasn’t something that I had meant to admit either. It just sort of…slipped out. Like your phone from your hand when you start to doze off at night. Or the sprinkles from an ice cream cone. There was nothing that I could do to stop it, and what ensued after was messy.

Once i had admitted the fact that I had a “microscopic little crush” on the boy, to his friend no less, I could no longer ignore my feelings and just write them off as wanting friendship. Once it had been admitted both to another living, breathing human being and myself, it spiraled out of control.

For the past two years now, I have identified as a lesbian. I have declared that I hate penis and am only into boobs. Which was completely and utterly fine, until I realized that I was attracted to a male.

That night, I was on the verge of a break down from 5:30 to 9:00 pm. Then it came.

We had decided earlier that morning, before I had admitted my feelings, to have a meeting that night at the headquarters buildings. And of course, me being my genius self, I had invited my crush. It was all fine and we played Cards Against Humanity. It was a fun little group meeting. We all went around and played our worst, most politically incorrect cards. And this quiet, sweet, shy redhead, was winning. He was beating all of us and it was one of the single most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

He was completely blowing away the image of innocence that I had seen him in and it was perfectly fine by me. He would play his cards and any time that it was my turn to choose the winner and I didn’t choose him he would give me this look. It was a glazed over look of almost hatred. Little did I know that he was playing around. But in my worried and panicking mind, I was making my crush hate me.

We continued to play for a while and then one of my cabin mates came in and I dragged him outside and just completely broke down crying. It was as if the floodgate which I had been failing to hold back my emotions with had cracked open and everything was pouring out.

I explained the situation to him and told him how I felt about this boy and he reassured me and let me know that it wouldn’t change how anybody saw me. He told me that it would be okay and that I had people who were here for me, and little did I know, he was right.

He eventually managed to calm me down and offered for us to go around to the front of the building to clean up, but I told him no. I said, “I’m not going to hide this from them.” and I went into the building with tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes and I hugged every individual in that group except for my crush. When I had originally entered he had asked if I was okay and what was wrong and when I ignored him he said “I love you, Julia.” To which I replied with, “Don’t say that.” And wiped at my cheeks again.

Things eventually went back to normal and we wrapped up our game and headed to a part of the camp called “the point”. We ended up laying in the field and star gazing, I awkwardly attempted to get closer to him and he went oblivious to my attempts. It wasn’t until later when I asked, “If I did what that kid did earlier, would it be okay?” and he said yes, that I finally initiated contact with him.

I had been referring to when he had told us that a friend of ours had latched onto his arm, and when he told me yes, I did just that. But in a less “latchy” and more “cuddly” manner.

That was the night that I first began to make a small, microscopic if you will, move on my crush. It was also the night that I realized and came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t put myself neatly into a small little box and that I liked a boy.

In later installments of this blog, I will tell about more coupley moments and how I am growing up and becoming my own person. As for old habits dying hard, i will come to that later as well. But for right now, just know that I am happy and that things are okay.

A message to my father…

As children we are conditioned an raised to believe that our parents are the strongest, most amazing people in the universe. That they are like superheroes and that nothing can hurt them. Or at least I was raised that way.

My dad was never really around for more than six months at a time before he was being sent on deployments when I was younger. I looked up to him and thought “This is my dad, nobody can hurt him. He wouldn’t let them.” and up until about two years ago, I still thought that way.

The first time that I remember seeing my dad cry was when I was about seven or so. My parents fought a lot and I never really thought they were happy. And one day my dad and I were watching tv or something in his room and all of a sudden I looked over and he was crying. I had never seen my dad cry before and I didn’t know what to do..

He asked me if he was a good dad and a good husband. I don’t remember what I told him. And perhaps that is for the better. I always knew that my parents weren’t really happy. So me being me, I probably told him, “No. You’re not.”

But that’s me and I was a jerk when I was a kid. But back to the point…

My dad was always the strong one. He yelled and screamed and threw things, but he never cried. But he did cry.. We just never saw it.

I love my dad, but I don’t tell him that. Mainly because I don’t tell anyone that I love them. I haven’t in a while. But when your father, the man you know to be the strong and unbreakable one, comes into your room at 4:30 in the morning because he had a nightmare and he’s crying, you tell him you love him. Its the right thing to do.

I know that my dad will hopefully never have the misfortune of reading this blog that I keep and occasionally post to. mainly because, he has his own problems to deal with and I wouldn’t ever want to add to that more than I already have. But if he ever does, I love you, Dad. And there’s nobody like you in the world. I know that you get hurt and you hide it, but you can show us these things.. Your family, we love you. Its just hard to show sometimes.

 

Suicide Prevention

I have always been the type person who wants to help others. I’be always hated when those I love or even strangers, were in pain or upset. I hate the fact that some people feel so upset or helpless that they feel that there is no way to feel better but to hurt themselves or kill themselves.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes I have dreams and those dreams come true. About five years ago, I had a dream that someone was playing volleyball in the front row on the right and got hit in the head with the ball and collapsed. The next day at practice I was in the same position and I got hit in the head. Needless to say, I collapsed.

There have been other instances when things like this have happened. That’s not the point though. The point is that last week I had a dream that my neighbor committed suicide. Then when I woke up this morning, my mother told me that my cousin had tried to kill herself the night before.

Although my neighbor is okay at the moment, my cousin isn’t. That is why I am writing this article. I have written things on other platforms about selfharm and suicide, along with depression, PTSD , and other things. Right now I am going to write on suicide.

I understand the feeling that things won’t get better. I have been there. Although I never tried to kill myself, I thought about it quite a bit. I couldn’t do that to my family. The only thing that truly kept me from attempting suicide is the fact that I didn’t want to leave my parents and siblings alone.

My point is that I know how it feels to want to die, regardless of whether or not I tried to take that final step. I have friends who want to die and I am constantly trying to make them happy. I am always trying to help them because they are my friends and my friends are my family. It doesn’t matter whether we are related by blood or not, if I care about someone or see that someone is upset I am going to do everything in my power to make them want to stay.

I have stayed up all night talking to people online to try to convey to them that things will get better. People always say that people on the internet who say they are going to kill themselves only want attention, and while that may be the case I don’t want to take the chance that they are really only trying to be given a reason to live because deep down they truly don’t want to die. On all my social media I have in the description that I am here for anyone who needs to talk.

I don’t want for people to feel alone. Not if I can help it. I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to help my cousin, that I didn’t get to her. All that I can truly do is hope that she will get the help that she needs. I don’t want anyone to feel like that… I want to help. So if any of you ever need someone I am here. A lot of people say that but then when you need them they aren’t there. But I am. I have all of my notifications on. I have my social media linked on my home page so I am here. You can dm me or message me and I will reply.

If there is anything that I can do to help I will try. I will leave the information with different hotlines and such if any of you would rather speak to someone who deals with these situations professionally.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 hour service) : 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project (24/7 hotline for LGBT Youth) : 1-866-488-7386

Heteronormativity

I live in the Bible-belt. This may come as a shock considering the way in which I talk or in this case write.

But I do and here people are very close minded. The Baptists think they are better than everyone else, they make fun of Catholics or anyone who believes in Baptism. They call it “getting sprinkled” and they think that anyone who believes in this is insane.

It isn’t just the Baptists though. There are Episcopalian, Seventh Day Adventist, Catholic, and so much more. There are so many different religions and religious beliefs, but a lot of people around here are very by the book.

I minimize myself and my personality. I don’t wear any rainbow things. I don’t use pronouns when referring to people who I find attractive, and I act a lot more femme than I actually am. This is all because I am not heterosexual. I am a lesbian and I am open about it. I do not like to wear dresses or jewelry. I might wear makeup but that doesn’t make me a girly girl.

I have been asked by the kids who I babysit if I am a tom boy. I respond when “something like that”. I respond in this way because I believe that I could quite easily lose my job if I were to say “I like girls”.

Many people raise their children with the belief that they will grow up to marry the opposite sex. I was raised in a home that heteronormatized but I’m still homosexual. I am lucky enough to have a loving family who accepts me for who I am, but this doesn’t mean that others do as well.

I have a friend who wasn’t as fortunate when it came to acceptance from his family. I have another friend who is probably always going to be in the closet because her family is homophobic. These cases make me realize just how truly lucky I am to have a loving and accepting family.

But my family system doesn’t matter because that isn’t why I am writing this. I am writing this because there are a lot of people out there who can and will hurt or hate on people because of who they are or who they love and I don’t agree with that, nor will I ever agree with that. I don’t judge people based upon their sexuality or their gender identity. I judge people based upon how they treat me and those who I love and care about. I don’t care whether you are bi, pan, gay, asexual or straight (sorry if I forgot one). I just care that you are a good person and that you don’t treat others badly.

I just want everyone who has taken the time to read this article to know that I am here. I am here and I am not going anywhere. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have a voice. You do. And if you are scared to give voice to your feelings or opinions, I will do so for you if you allow me to. If you will message me or comment what you think should be talked about more or what you would like me to talk about, I will try my best to do so.

I have seen people stay silent about hwo they are and it isn’t good. If you want to write something and have me post it I can. I just want everyone to know that they are loved and cared for. I am here for you if you need someone to be. I will be a friend or even just a listening ear. I want everyone to know that they don’t need to stay silent.

That’s all for now. Bye.

Depressing People

I have come to realize over the span of the past two weeks that I am seemingly drawn to depressing people.

This realization was not all that surprising especially since in many of my friendships I play the role of the therapist. By this I mean that I listen to others’ problems and try to provide them with the solutions or answers that they need.

I recently met a girl who I was quite looking forward to being friends with, but upon our meeting she announced that she had a crush on me. I, being the person that I am, told her that she shouldn’t tell me these things because she had a partner. Her response to this was to break up with her partner and flirt with me.

I don’t like to e the bringer of bad news so I tried to let her down easy and tell her that while I do not feel the same way about her at this time, I may someday in the future, grow to reciprocate her feelings.

Once I had said this everything took a downward spiral. The following day was Valentine’s day (which I personally believe to be a corporal facilitated holiday to make people spend money). However all day, all this girl did was be depressing and complain about being single, when in reality the only reason that she was single was because she had left her partner to try to date me.

I never came onto this girl or insinuated that I may have been attracted to her, I simply redirected the conversation when she would start to flirt with me. I would nonchalantly bring the attention back to the fact that she was in a relationship. So I honestly did not in any way, shape, or form try to lead her on.

In short, I am continually finding that the people closest to me are depressing and I find myself walking on egg shells around them. I am scared to tell them how I really feel or what I really think for the fear that they will do something that they will regret in the future.

I guess that that is it.

Mood Drop

For years I have been training myself not to get my hopes up. I never let myself get excited for things before they are happening because every time that I get excited beforehand something happens and the thing doesn’t work out.

Take a few years ago for example, I was visiting family in New York and we went to do our laundry. At the laundry place, the guy who ran it used to be a clown. He gave me a little balloon animal kit and I couldn’t wait to use it.

I was so excited to give balloons to different people and when we finally got home and I was ready to do it, it didn’t work. Every. Single. Balloon was broken.  I felt so let down.

Since that day I have tried my best not to get excited for things. Every once in a while I let that slip though, and it almost always back-fires on me.

When I was eight or nine my family and I were going to an Easter egg hunt on the Air Force Base. As we got to the base, the hunt had started early and there were no eggs left. My parents drove all the way back to town and we went to the zoo to try a different one. I left with four empty eggs. It was a real let down.

Just last year, I saved up all my Christmas and Birthday money to go to a Shawn Mendes concert. I had even stayed up all night to wait for the tickets to go on sale. Just as they were about to drop, my internet went out. By the time that I back to the website, the only tickets that were left were over a hundred dollars.

This past Halloween I was really excited to dress up my puppy and bring him with my family and I, the day before he got hit by  a car. He didn’t die but he had a bad limp and wasn’t feeling well.

Now that you understand what I mean, I will go to what happened today. I did my schoolwork and cleaned my room and my neighbor had invited me to get pulled on a tube while he drove his four-wheeler. I had told him that I might come out. After this I went and got ready. Just as I was going outside to go do the four-wheeler thing, he was putting it away.

I don’t mind that he didn’t think I was coming out, what I mind is that I let myself get my hopes up. I’m more upset with myself than anything. I shouldn’t have gotten excited about it. Maybe this makes me seem like a spoiled brat, but I’m upset and I wanted to vent. So there it is. There is the cause of my mood drop.

I’ll write again soon. Bye.