I know that I gave you a grand speech during the summer about how much you’ve changed me as a person, that I’m a different person than I was a year ago. I know that I told you how much I regretted leaving you and that I loved you. But I didn’t tell you everything. I didn’t tell you how much it was hurting me to see you everyday, just like I didn’t tell you how badly I wanted for you to give me a second chance.
I begged for your forgiveness and I begged for a chance at friendship with you. I begged for you to give me a shot to show you that I could be a good person, a good friend. But I bit my tongue when I wanted to say that I would do anything, bend over backwards just to get the shot to show you how much I love you. I didn’t tell you how much I wanted to be with you. How much I wanted to be the one that you called “baby” and held close in your arms. I didn’t tell you how much it hurt to see you happy with someone else, to see you with someone else period. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you were happy.
Your happiness has been my priority for as long as I can remember. That’s why I never reached out after you said you needed space. I stayed away and let you move on and be happy even though it was tearing me apart. I kept my distance until you said that it was okay for me to ride in the same car as you. After that I made small attempts at painfully awkward small talk just in order to communicate with you, just to be a part of your life. I was willing to play the part of the friend if it meant that I got to interact with you.
I poured my heart out in seven pages, hundreds of words, when I begged for a second chance at being in your life in any respect. I was so overwhelmingly happy and relieved when you texted me that night. I knew that you had more than every right to hate me, but the fact that you skipped to the end and got my number rather than just throwing that letter away meant the world to me. It meant everything to me that you read it. That you were willing to try.
Later in the summer it hurt more than I thought it would to see you every day. It felt as if I was ripping my heart out over and over again, but I kept doing it because it got your attention. A small smile here, a nervous joke there, most of which being met with acknowledgement from you. Everything was okay, until one day I realized that it felt almost as if I was the only one trying to keep the lines of communication open between us. I talked to my therapist and she called it transference when I said that I was attracted to another. She was right.
She saw it, our friends saw it, and most of all, you saw it. You tried to warn him and you looked out for him. You told me not to do to him what I did to you and I said I wouldn’t. I didn’t. Eventually he stopped being a distraction from my feelings for you and he became my boyfriend. But he wasn’t you. He didn’t listen when I talked. He didn’t mean it when he said he loved me. He loved my body, not my personality. Once I began to talk to friends about my lack of happiness with him I was told of how he treated others and I didn’t agree with it at all. But I had been sticking it out because I didn’t know what else to do.
I had been content to stay in an unhappy relationship until one Sunday night when I was on Snapchat. I had been viewing the story of a mutual friend of ours from work and he had a photo advertising the election of your girlfriend as homecoming princess. But I didn’t see her right away. The first face that I saw was yours. You were in the background playing your saxophone. I wasn’t looking for you but you jumped out at me. I wasn’t sure if she was your girl or not so I looked up her Instagram. Needless to say, she was. Seeing that photo with you in it sent me into a spiral and I didn’t know what to do other than to talk to my best friend. She said that when we were at camp you had talked to her and that you had been thinking of giving me another chance. A few days later I was talking to yet another mutual friend of ours and he told me a story similar to hers. It killed me just a little more to hear that I messed up yet again. To hear that if I hadn’t of been so careless, so selfish with my distraction, I could have had you back.
So I suppose that that is why I’m writing you this. A letter which you will never read. Words which will never be said. I just want for you to be happy, but you are my happiness. Yes, having you back would bring me so much more joy than anyone could ever imagine, but it would also bring me peace. I love you. I have loved you for a year and I will still love you months from now. I will just do so silently and hope that should you ever need someone or want someone, that you will choose me. I know that I don’t deserve you and I know that I probably won’t get you, but I would love to have the chance.
Thank you for reading this, or not I suppose, sincerely,
Your unknown lover