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A message to my father…

As children we are conditioned an raised to believe that our parents are the strongest, most amazing people in the universe. That they are like superheroes and that nothing can hurt them. Or at least I was raised that way.

My dad was never really around for more than six months at a time before he was being sent on deployments when I was younger. I looked up to him and thought “This is my dad, nobody can hurt him. He wouldn’t let them.” and up until about two years ago, I still thought that way.

The first time that I remember seeing my dad cry was when I was about seven or so. My parents fought a lot and I never really thought they were happy. And one day my dad and I were watching tv or something in his room and all of a sudden I looked over and he was crying. I had never seen my dad cry before and I didn’t know what to do..

He asked me if he was a good dad and a good husband. I don’t remember what I told him. And perhaps that is for the better. I always knew that my parents weren’t really happy. So me being me, I probably told him, “No. You’re not.”

But that’s me and I was a jerk when I was a kid. But back to the point…

My dad was always the strong one. He yelled and screamed and threw things, but he never cried. But he did cry.. We just never saw it.

I love my dad, but I don’t tell him that. Mainly because I don’t tell anyone that I love them. I haven’t in a while. But when your father, the man you know to be the strong and unbreakable one, comes into your room at 4:30 in the morning because he had a nightmare and he’s crying, you tell him you love him. Its the right thing to do.

I know that my dad will hopefully never have the misfortune of reading this blog that I keep and occasionally post to. mainly because, he has his own problems to deal with and I wouldn’t ever want to add to that more than I already have. But if he ever does, I love you, Dad. And there’s nobody like you in the world. I know that you get hurt and you hide it, but you can show us these things.. Your family, we love you. Its just hard to show sometimes.

 

Suicide Prevention

I have always been the type person who wants to help others. I’be always hated when those I love or even strangers, were in pain or upset. I hate the fact that some people feel so upset or helpless that they feel that there is no way to feel better but to hurt themselves or kill themselves.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes I have dreams and those dreams come true. About five years ago, I had a dream that someone was playing volleyball in the front row on the right and got hit in the head with the ball and collapsed. The next day at practice I was in the same position and I got hit in the head. Needless to say, I collapsed.

There have been other instances when things like this have happened. That’s not the point though. The point is that last week I had a dream that my neighbor committed suicide. Then when I woke up this morning, my mother told me that my cousin had tried to kill herself the night before.

Although my neighbor is okay at the moment, my cousin isn’t. That is why I am writing this article. I have written things on other platforms about selfharm and suicide, along with depression, PTSD , and other things. Right now I am going to write on suicide.

I understand the feeling that things won’t get better. I have been there. Although I never tried to kill myself, I thought about it quite a bit. I couldn’t do that to my family. The only thing that truly kept me from attempting suicide is the fact that I didn’t want to leave my parents and siblings alone.

My point is that I know how it feels to want to die, regardless of whether or not I tried to take that final step. I have friends who want to die and I am constantly trying to make them happy. I am always trying to help them because they are my friends and my friends are my family. It doesn’t matter whether we are related by blood or not, if I care about someone or see that someone is upset I am going to do everything in my power to make them want to stay.

I have stayed up all night talking to people online to try to convey to them that things will get better. People always say that people on the internet who say they are going to kill themselves only want attention, and while that may be the case I don’t want to take the chance that they are really only trying to be given a reason to live because deep down they truly don’t want to die. On all my social media I have in the description that I am here for anyone who needs to talk.

I don’t want for people to feel alone. Not if I can help it. I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to help my cousin, that I didn’t get to her. All that I can truly do is hope that she will get the help that she needs. I don’t want anyone to feel like that… I want to help. So if any of you ever need someone I am here. A lot of people say that but then when you need them they aren’t there. But I am. I have all of my notifications on. I have my social media linked on my home page so I am here. You can dm me or message me and I will reply.

If there is anything that I can do to help I will try. I will leave the information with different hotlines and such if any of you would rather speak to someone who deals with these situations professionally.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 hour service) : 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project (24/7 hotline for LGBT Youth) : 1-866-488-7386

Heteronormativity

I live in the Bible-belt. This may come as a shock considering the way in which I talk or in this case write.

But I do and here people are very close minded. The Baptists think they are better than everyone else, they make fun of Catholics or anyone who believes in Baptism. They call it “getting sprinkled” and they think that anyone who believes in this is insane.

It isn’t just the Baptists though. There are Episcopalian, Seventh Day Adventist, Catholic, and so much more. There are so many different religions and religious beliefs, but a lot of people around here are very by the book.

I minimize myself and my personality. I don’t wear any rainbow things. I don’t use pronouns when referring to people who I find attractive, and I act a lot more femme than I actually am. This is all because I am not heterosexual. I am a lesbian and I am open about it. I do not like to wear dresses or jewelry. I might wear makeup but that doesn’t make me a girly girl.

I have been asked by the kids who I babysit if I am a tom boy. I respond when “something like that”. I respond in this way because I believe that I could quite easily lose my job if I were to say “I like girls”.

Many people raise their children with the belief that they will grow up to marry the opposite sex. I was raised in a home that heteronormatized but I’m still homosexual. I am lucky enough to have a loving family who accepts me for who I am, but this doesn’t mean that others do as well.

I have a friend who wasn’t as fortunate when it came to acceptance from his family. I have another friend who is probably always going to be in the closet because her family is homophobic. These cases make me realize just how truly lucky I am to have a loving and accepting family.

But my family system doesn’t matter because that isn’t why I am writing this. I am writing this because there are a lot of people out there who can and will hurt or hate on people because of who they are or who they love and I don’t agree with that, nor will I ever agree with that. I don’t judge people based upon their sexuality or their gender identity. I judge people based upon how they treat me and those who I love and care about. I don’t care whether you are bi, pan, gay, asexual or straight (sorry if I forgot one). I just care that you are a good person and that you don’t treat others badly.

I just want everyone who has taken the time to read this article to know that I am here. I am here and I am not going anywhere. I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have a voice. You do. And if you are scared to give voice to your feelings or opinions, I will do so for you if you allow me to. If you will message me or comment what you think should be talked about more or what you would like me to talk about, I will try my best to do so.

I have seen people stay silent about hwo they are and it isn’t good. If you want to write something and have me post it I can. I just want everyone to know that they are loved and cared for. I am here for you if you need someone to be. I will be a friend or even just a listening ear. I want everyone to know that they don’t need to stay silent.

That’s all for now. Bye.

Depressing People

I have come to realize over the span of the past two weeks that I am seemingly drawn to depressing people.

This realization was not all that surprising especially since in many of my friendships I play the role of the therapist. By this I mean that I listen to others’ problems and try to provide them with the solutions or answers that they need.

I recently met a girl who I was quite looking forward to being friends with, but upon our meeting she announced that she had a crush on me. I, being the person that I am, told her that she shouldn’t tell me these things because she had a partner. Her response to this was to break up with her partner and flirt with me.

I don’t like to e the bringer of bad news so I tried to let her down easy and tell her that while I do not feel the same way about her at this time, I may someday in the future, grow to reciprocate her feelings.

Once I had said this everything took a downward spiral. The following day was Valentine’s day (which I personally believe to be a corporal facilitated holiday to make people spend money). However all day, all this girl did was be depressing and complain about being single, when in reality the only reason that she was single was because she had left her partner to try to date me.

I never came onto this girl or insinuated that I may have been attracted to her, I simply redirected the conversation when she would start to flirt with me. I would nonchalantly bring the attention back to the fact that she was in a relationship. So I honestly did not in any way, shape, or form try to lead her on.

In short, I am continually finding that the people closest to me are depressing and I find myself walking on egg shells around them. I am scared to tell them how I really feel or what I really think for the fear that they will do something that they will regret in the future.

I guess that that is it.

Mood Drop

For years I have been training myself not to get my hopes up. I never let myself get excited for things before they are happening because every time that I get excited beforehand something happens and the thing doesn’t work out.

Take a few years ago for example, I was visiting family in New York and we went to do our laundry. At the laundry place, the guy who ran it used to be a clown. He gave me a little balloon animal kit and I couldn’t wait to use it.

I was so excited to give balloons to different people and when we finally got home and I was ready to do it, it didn’t work. Every. Single. Balloon was broken.  I felt so let down.

Since that day I have tried my best not to get excited for things. Every once in a while I let that slip though, and it almost always back-fires on me.

When I was eight or nine my family and I were going to an Easter egg hunt on the Air Force Base. As we got to the base, the hunt had started early and there were no eggs left. My parents drove all the way back to town and we went to the zoo to try a different one. I left with four empty eggs. It was a real let down.

Just last year, I saved up all my Christmas and Birthday money to go to a Shawn Mendes concert. I had even stayed up all night to wait for the tickets to go on sale. Just as they were about to drop, my internet went out. By the time that I back to the website, the only tickets that were left were over a hundred dollars.

This past Halloween I was really excited to dress up my puppy and bring him with my family and I, the day before he got hit by  a car. He didn’t die but he had a bad limp and wasn’t feeling well.

Now that you understand what I mean, I will go to what happened today. I did my schoolwork and cleaned my room and my neighbor had invited me to get pulled on a tube while he drove his four-wheeler. I had told him that I might come out. After this I went and got ready. Just as I was going outside to go do the four-wheeler thing, he was putting it away.

I don’t mind that he didn’t think I was coming out, what I mind is that I let myself get my hopes up. I’m more upset with myself than anything. I shouldn’t have gotten excited about it. Maybe this makes me seem like a spoiled brat, but I’m upset and I wanted to vent. So there it is. There is the cause of my mood drop.

I’ll write again soon. Bye.

Band Tag

Here are my answers, according to my favorite band at the moment:

  • My favoritte band is Pentatonix
  • I have gone to a Trevor Moran and Ricky Dillon concert when they did the Gold/Alive tour. (I met Ricky)
  • I don’t have any upcoming concerts yet.
  • My favorite band member is Mitch Grassi
  • No, I have not met them.
  •  My favorite verse is:
  • My body was shaking in your earthquakes

    You had my body quaking (in your love) from your love (oh, in your love)

    My life was drowning in tsunamis,

    You pulled me under baby (in your love) with your love, (oh, in your love) with your love

  • I’m not usually one for love songs. But this verse is from the song Natural Disaster and I love how the beats are during this verse. It is quite amazing.
  • A song that I live by is, Aha by Pentatonix
  • My favorite quote from a band member is, “Music is about bringing light to others.” ~Avi Kaplan
  • If I could switch bodies with a member it would have to be Avi.
  • Because, his voice is really low and I would love to know how awesome that feels. Plus he has amazing hair and the best flannels/beanies.
  • A band that I can’t stand is Fifth Harmony.
  • A song that I can’t stand is Hello by Adele.
  • I would love to see either Pentatonix or MCR live.
  • I haven’t been to any Warped Tours yet.
  • By ringtone is Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas.
  • My alarm is Rose Gold by Pentatonix.
  • My favorite music video is the one for Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Pentatonix.

50 Questions Tag

So, being the millennial that I am, I believe that the best way to get to know someone is through a tag. So that is what I will be doing. I am going to be doing the 50 questions tag.

1.What’s your favorite candle scent? Chocolate Pistachio
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? Kirstin Maldonado
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? Scott Hoying
4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? 25+
5. Do you know a hoarder? Yes
6. Can you do a split? No
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? 7
8. How many oceans have you swam in? 1 (the Atlantic, multiple times)
9. How many countries have you been to? 1
10. Is anyone in your family in the army? Retired
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? Cecelia
12. What would you name your son if you had one? Antonio or Nico
13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test? 40
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? Maggie and the Ferocious Beast/ Kipper
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? A witch
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? Hunger Games, but i’ve seen the movies for all of the above
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? Is Australian a choice?
18. Did your mother go to college? Yes
19. Are your grandparents still married? One set
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? No
21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? Yes
22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? Wonderland (in Texas)
23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? Italian
24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? Grey
25. Is your father bald? Balding
26. Do you know triplets? No
27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? The Notebook
28. Have you ever had Indian food? No
29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? La Tolteca Mexican restaurant
30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? Yes
31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)? No
32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?  Seamus
33. If you have a nickname, what is it? Baby Grace ( an internet friend) , Jay-by Gay-by (my sister)
34. Who’s your favorite person in the world? Does my dog count? (photo at the top of this entry)
35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? rural
36. Can you whistle? yes
37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? my closet light
38. Do you eat breakfast every morning? no
39. Do you take any pills or medication daily? I’m supposed to
40. What medical conditions do you have? my ears don’t drain properly and I have asthma
41. How many times have you been to the hospital? 2 (i busted my face open and then five years later my wrist)
42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? It was my favorite movie as a toddler
43. Where do you buy your jeans? Kohl’s or Hot Topic
44. What’s the last compliment you got? My dad told me that I have a talent for photography
45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Sometimes
46. What flavor tea do you enjoy? Green
47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? 5 (Nikes, Vans, two pairs of combat boots, wedges)
48. What religion will you raise your children to practice? I will let them figure it out for themselves
49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? 4th grade, so about 9 or 10
50. Why do you have a tumblr? To follow the ships that I like