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What I can’t say

She said that I didn’t fall in love with camp, I fell in love with you…

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She said that I didn’t fall in love with camp, I fell in love with you. 

I didn’t think that it could be possibly be true. I always fought to be the “cold” and “heartless” one, it has kept me safe. If you don’t let people in you can’t get hurt. But on the flip side, if you don’t let people in are you really living?

One of my most fond memories is in truth a collage of memories. They play through my mind like a flashback in a movie every time that your eyes meet mine. I look at you and I see countless nights under the stars, my head on your chest and your hoodie on my body. I see the way you would smile when we would look at each other during an embarrassing moment. The way that when you would speak to me you would lean down slightly, as if in a futile attempt to make me feel taller.

In retrospect, those moment and exchanges were what really started it for me. I was so caught up in living in the moment and not thinking that I never truly stopped to notice what life would be like without those exchanges. I didn’t cherish them as I should have. Those looks and smiles that didn’t just stop at your cheeks, but went on to reach your eyes are what made my day. I never realized just how lucky I was to get to not only see those smiles, but be the cause of some of them.

You’ve always had impeccable taste in music, even when it was shitty music. By this I mean that you could suggest something like Pink Guy and I would listen to it and grow to love it, just as I would with something like Andy Shauf. These two artists are so vastly different that it is hard to believe that you recommended them to me. In truth, I couldn’t stand Pink Guy, but I learned to like his music. I learned to like his music because you did. I wanted to understand why you found his music to be so humourous and I think that I finally did. It could go from terrible and offensive to serious so quickly that some people wouldn’t even notice.

Flash forward a year and I have finally come to understand just how awesome of a human being you are. You are multifaceted, brilliant, beautiful on the inside and out, and patient; you never cease to amaze me. You have overcome so many things and I am so unbelievably grateful that you have given me a chance to be a friend. I left you when you needed me and I was so fucking stupid. I should have never picked up that drink, much less my phone. I should have listened to you when you told me that he was bad news. You were right. Leaving you is my single biggest regret in life. It fucked us both up and I still love you. I was drunk when I dumped you and I know it is so ridiculously selfish of me to want you back, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t. I won’t say those words to you. I started to, but I stopped myself because we were out of time. I told you that I love you. Or at least that I loved you. You’ve got someone new and I don’t want to ruin that. If changing my feelings to past tense will help you, then I will do it in a heartbeat.

I have come to learn that love is not just giving something up and if it comes back to you it is yours, but if it doesn’t it was never yours to begin with. It is being willing to not chase after whatever it is that was let go in the first place. Love is giving that thing or person space and time to grow and be happy without intruding, but still letting them know that you are there if they need anything. I may have kept my heart closed off to love, but you opened it. Even though I fought you and didn’t tell you when it mattered the most, I did love you. I still love you.

It breaks my heart just a little more every time that I see you and have to make the conscious decision not to sit right next to you. It sends a shock of pain through me every time that we meet eyes and yours don’t hold the same admiration that I am fighting to keep from mine.

Yesterday you were going to sit with me at dinner and I told you that you didn’t have to, because I knew that you were just doing it because you felt bad for me. I didn’t want for you to feel obligated to sit with me, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted you to leave. You did though. And when you did I had to leave because it hurt so bad. I had to walk away and conceal the tears in my eyes with a look filled with hate in order not to concern you.

I am trying to right my wrongs and fix my short comings, but I can’t fix everything. I can’t say sorry and suddenly make it so that there isn’t an awkward moment when we look at each other because we know exactly what is going through the mind of the other. I can’t bring myself to sit with you when there are a lot of people all vying for your attention because I would have a panic attack. I can’t adequately articulate my true feelings to you because it would hurt you and complicate things. I can’t look you in your eyes in broad daylight or at our spot and say “I love you” because those aren’t my words to say to you anymore. I refuse to take someone else’s words and make them my own when I am no longer deserving of them. I can’t say these things to you so instead I write them in a document that you will never read and I listen to the music that I associate with you. I can’t say these things to you, so instead I quickly look away when we meet eyes across the room and I keep to my side of the cafeteria. I don’t try to fit in with your friends because they aren’t my person, you are and that is why I don’t walk alone with you because I would tell you that.

You may not always see it and you may think that I am trying to ignore you or be rude to you, but in truth when I don’t speak I am protecting you. I am protecting you from the drama and needless pain that comes with everything that I wish I could say to you. I am truly doing my best not to slip up and hug you when I am having a bad day or when you look like you could use a hug, not because I don’t want to be held in your arms just one more time, but because I know that if I did get to be in your arms again I would never want to let go. I don’t get close to you because I don’t want to break down and cry and tell you everything because that wouldn’t be good for anybody. I don’t walk next to you when we are in a group because my hand would subconsciously reach for yours and that could have irreversible consequences. I don’t hold your eye contact for long periods of time like I would with anyone else to see how long it takes them to walk away because I know that I would fold and show my cards. I have a good poker face, but you make me crumble. A single look from you and I would practically be handing you my cards, much less showing a tell.

So please, don’t take my defensive words to heart. I am just trying to protect not only myself, but you as well. Now you know that, or at least you would if it wouldn’t do damage to tell you.

Human Nature…

Humans are, in truth, as has been said many a time before, tricky creatures…

Some people don’t wish to know what others think of them, many of them fancy themselves smart for this. I suppose that based upon this assumption I should consider myself stupid to wish to know what others think of me. Knowledge is, after all, quite dangerous. Knowledge can end lives, but it can also save them.

Some people are saved by being told how others perceive them positively. Others are driven to the edge by discovering how others perceive them in a negative sense.

In truth, knowledge isn’t what kills or harms or maims or saves, it is the way in which it is used. One can choose whether to use the knowledge that they wield to save peoples’ lives, or they can choose to twist that knowledge into something painful and use it as a weapon. Facts and knowledge are not what hurt people. People hurt people.

I have never understood why people lie or why they twist the truth. There are many people who have slipped half truths and hurtful words off their forked tongues and past cracked lips, right into the ears of the innocent. I have always questioned how people could find it within themselves to say things just to hurt others. How they could take something as innocent as two friends skipping class and turn it into some sort of sex scandal. How they could take a joke between friends, that they overheard, and turn it into a barrage of insults, tactfully concocted to destroy one’s self-perception. How they could wake one morning and consciously make the decision of, “today is the day that I will make this person feel terrible.”

Humans are, in truth, as has been said many a time before, tricky creatures. One can never truly predict exactly what one will do at a given point in time. Nor can they truly change someone’s mind once it is made up upon a certain action or belief. You cannot force someone to think a certain way, therefore you must sit idly by and wait with baited breath for what is to come. You can make your best attempts to persuade one to do a certain thing or think a certain way but unless they choose to do so or think so, there is nothing to truly be done.

Humans choose their friends and they choose who they trust. Sure, they are influenced in their decisions by forces outside of themselves, but they aren’t wholly basing their choices off of these experiences and forces. One may take into account a friend’s opinion when choosing whether to buy a blue shirt or a purple shirt, but if they are true to themselves and more than merely a cog in society’s machine they will choose what they find themselves to be most attracted to. It is the experiences in life that help to shape humans as well. These experiences will help them to learn what reactions come from different triggers. From these reactions they will find the ones that they most favour and from there they will draw their conclusions.

Based upon these things it is wrong to say that humans are evil. Not all humans go out of their ways to hurt others or to make sure that they are always getting better outcomes than their peers. Having said that, there is however the lingering conclusion that one could be drawn to that all humans have the potential to be evil. On that I will leave you to draw your own conclusion. But you were already going to do that right? I mean, I was never going to truly change your outlook on human kind and their nature, just give a little incite and leave you to your findings.

I’m Back

It has been a minute since I last wrote a blog post on here and for that I sincerely apologize. I went back to public school this past year and have been quite busy. On top of this, my laptop which I normally write on. However seeing as to how I have become exceedingly more expired to write as of late, I wanted to attempt to write on my phone until I get my computer fixed. Having said this I apologize in advance for any typos.

Okay, where do I start? I suppose that I will just do a quick overview of current events in my life and go further into detail on how things came to be like this in future instillations.

For starters, the boy whom I was dating the last time that I posted and I broke up. I am learning Spanish and going to take college English classes next year. I am going back to work at the same camp that I did last year, but this time I am bringing my girlfriend with me. Yes, you read that correctly, girlfriend. She is a beautiful individual and I will give a full description later. She is so amazing and wonderful and just everything that I could ever want in a partner, much less a friend. That is however all that I am privy to divulge at this moment in time. She got me a hedgehog for my upcoming birthday, we named her Bo, after one of my favourite comedians Bo Burnham.

Other than that, nothing else especially spectacular has really happened as of late. I do however promise to write more in the upcoming days than I have in past months.

The Point

That first night with my crush down at the point may have been the first time that we went down there together, but it wouldn’t be our last. In fact we went back two days later and did nearly the same thing but with a different group of people.

There was a boy in our group of friends who I had no idea, liked me and he was there that night just like he was there two nights before. I didn’t know then and I wouldn’t know for another month about his feelings and so as not to leave you in search of an answer, nothing came of them. But it did pose a slight problem when it came to making a move on my crush.

The boy and I were close and we had kissed before during a game. But I didn’t see him in any way other than as a friend. However, to everybody else in our group, it looked like I was flirting with him. It was actually the opposite of this.

When I get comfortable with a person I have no problem with sharing clothes and food with them. And the same could be said for him. The first time that we had gone down to the point, he and I had ended up swapping our uniforms which we were supposed to wear in two days when people came. But the fact that we switched on the night that we did meant that we would then have to wear the other’s uniform when people came. This led not only to my crush thinking that I liked my friend, but also other staff members and groups who had come to stay were led to the same conclusion.

He was a cool guy, don’t get me wrong. He was sweet and funny, but at the same time he wasn’t going to let you get away with being an asshole. He called things how he saw them and he is a good friend. But that didn’t change the way that I felt about him.

Now that you have a bit more context on the situation, I will get back to the point (see what I did there?).

The next night that we went as a group, we stayed in a clearing and I ended up bringing a blanket and food down. However I forgot to bring coffee which was a staple if i was going to stay down there while the rest of the group did. So a new hire and I ended up going back up to the cabin and while we walked I was telling him about my crush. I never mentioned a name, but the guy clued in pretty quickly and told me, “wow, it sounds like you’re really falling for the guy.” to which I responded with a quick “no I’m not”. I didn’t know it then, but I was falling for the guy and quite hard might I add.

We eventually got my coffee and went back down to rejoin our group of coworkers who were talking. We sat back down and I eventually ended up giving my friend who everyone thought I liked my blanket and some coffee. After a bit of sharing back and forth with my coffee, another one of my friends pulled me aside and told me how much it looked like I was hitting on the kid. She told me that I needed to share with my crush as well and I listened to her.

I went back over to the guys and I offered him some coffee. He took some and we went back to our conversation.

After a few hours the friend who people thought I liked ended up laying down in my blanket and I ended up with my head on his stomach, my crush with his head on his back and we were all falling sleep. I was sleep deprived and uncomfortable so I turned around and poked my crush’s back. When he asked what I was doing I told him, “Your back isn’t comfy.”. In response to this he told me to hold on and I watched as he sat up and took his jacket off then proceeded to lay back down and put it on his back.

It was adorable and considerate and I didn’t know what to do for a moment. But once i figured it out, I poked his back again and told him that it was better. I still wasn’t quite sure what to do, but I was tired and not thinking straight which lead me to move to the other side of our friend and lay my head on my crush’s back.

We stayed like that for a while and then we were getting ready to head our separate ways. But before we did that I did the most girly thing known to man and I “stole” his jacket. It was cold and I offered it back to him, but he wouldn’t take it. And that is how I ended up wearing a jacket that was at least three sizes to big for me to flags the next morning.

That was a big night not only for me, but also for our relationship that was soon to come. It was when he started to realize that I liked him because I did the following:

  • Asked him if he was straight and when he replied with “yes”  I told him “good”
  • Said that I was only 85% gay
  • Cuddled onto him
  • Stole his jacket

That night was one of the best nights that I had this summer. And it was all about getting straight to the point.

 

Growing Up

I’ve come to realize a few things this summer.

  1. You can’t put a label on everything and tuck it neatly away into a box.
  2. Sometimes you need the right person to open up to.
  3. Old habits die hard.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this in a different post, but I got a job this summer. I spent everyday of the past six weeks at a summer camp. It was a difficult decision to make as to whether or not I would take the job, but once I did I didn’t regret it.

The first two weeks were pretty rough, home sickness hit me hard. But then I eventually found my own little group of friends.

It started with a few of us hanging out at night and playing games. Then it slowly turned towards me trying to get the attention of a certain individual.  He was tall with red hair and a gift when it came to guitar. He was the absolute opposite of me in almost every way imaginable.

Where I was loud when it came to my friends, he was quiet. Where I listened to punk rock and rap, he listened to Pink Guy and Chainsmokers. But most importantly, where I was presumably gay, he was undeniably straight.

Now you may be thinking, “Wait, did she just say presumably gay?”. And to that, my dear reader, I say yes. I the gayest of the gays, have fallen for a male.

It was not an easy conclusion to come to. In fact, I put off admitting it to myself for quite some time before I finally started to think about it. I always brushed it off as just really liking his personality and wanting to get to know him as a friend. But I admitted it to someone else first and once it was out in the open, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

It wasn’t something that I had meant to admit either. It just sort of…slipped out. Like your phone from your hand when you start to doze off at night. Or the sprinkles from an ice cream cone. There was nothing that I could do to stop it, and what ensued after was messy.

Once i had admitted the fact that I had a “microscopic little crush” on the boy, to his friend no less, I could no longer ignore my feelings and just write them off as wanting friendship. Once it had been admitted both to another living, breathing human being and myself, it spiraled out of control.

For the past two years now, I have identified as a lesbian. I have declared that I hate penis and am only into boobs. Which was completely and utterly fine, until I realized that I was attracted to a male.

That night, I was on the verge of a break down from 5:30 to 9:00 pm. Then it came.

We had decided earlier that morning, before I had admitted my feelings, to have a meeting that night at the headquarters buildings. And of course, me being my genius self, I had invited my crush. It was all fine and we played Cards Against Humanity. It was a fun little group meeting. We all went around and played our worst, most politically incorrect cards. And this quiet, sweet, shy redhead, was winning. He was beating all of us and it was one of the single most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

He was completely blowing away the image of innocence that I had seen him in and it was perfectly fine by me. He would play his cards and any time that it was my turn to choose the winner and I didn’t choose him he would give me this look. It was a glazed over look of almost hatred. Little did I know that he was playing around. But in my worried and panicking mind, I was making my crush hate me.

We continued to play for a while and then one of my cabin mates came in and I dragged him outside and just completely broke down crying. It was as if the floodgate which I had been failing to hold back my emotions with had cracked open and everything was pouring out.

I explained the situation to him and told him how I felt about this boy and he reassured me and let me know that it wouldn’t change how anybody saw me. He told me that it would be okay and that I had people who were here for me, and little did I know, he was right.

He eventually managed to calm me down and offered for us to go around to the front of the building to clean up, but I told him no. I said, “I’m not going to hide this from them.” and I went into the building with tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes and I hugged every individual in that group except for my crush. When I had originally entered he had asked if I was okay and what was wrong and when I ignored him he said “I love you, Julia.” To which I replied with, “Don’t say that.” And wiped at my cheeks again.

Things eventually went back to normal and we wrapped up our game and headed to a part of the camp called “the point”. We ended up laying in the field and star gazing, I awkwardly attempted to get closer to him and he went oblivious to my attempts. It wasn’t until later when I asked, “If I did what that kid did earlier, would it be okay?” and he said yes, that I finally initiated contact with him.

I had been referring to when he had told us that a friend of ours had latched onto his arm, and when he told me yes, I did just that. But in a less “latchy” and more “cuddly” manner.

That was the night that I first began to make a small, microscopic if you will, move on my crush. It was also the night that I realized and came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t put myself neatly into a small little box and that I liked a boy.

In later installments of this blog, I will tell about more coupley moments and how I am growing up and becoming my own person. As for old habits dying hard, i will come to that later as well. But for right now, just know that I am happy and that things are okay.

A message to my father…

As children we are conditioned an raised to believe that our parents are the strongest, most amazing people in the universe. That they are like superheroes and that nothing can hurt them. Or at least I was raised that way.

My dad was never really around for more than six months at a time before he was being sent on deployments when I was younger. I looked up to him and thought “This is my dad, nobody can hurt him. He wouldn’t let them.” and up until about two years ago, I still thought that way.

The first time that I remember seeing my dad cry was when I was about seven or so. My parents fought a lot and I never really thought they were happy. And one day my dad and I were watching tv or something in his room and all of a sudden I looked over and he was crying. I had never seen my dad cry before and I didn’t know what to do..

He asked me if he was a good dad and a good husband. I don’t remember what I told him. And perhaps that is for the better. I always knew that my parents weren’t really happy. So me being me, I probably told him, “No. You’re not.”

But that’s me and I was a jerk when I was a kid. But back to the point…

My dad was always the strong one. He yelled and screamed and threw things, but he never cried. But he did cry.. We just never saw it.

I love my dad, but I don’t tell him that. Mainly because I don’t tell anyone that I love them. I haven’t in a while. But when your father, the man you know to be the strong and unbreakable one, comes into your room at 4:30 in the morning because he had a nightmare and he’s crying, you tell him you love him. Its the right thing to do.

I know that my dad will hopefully never have the misfortune of reading this blog that I keep and occasionally post to. mainly because, he has his own problems to deal with and I wouldn’t ever want to add to that more than I already have. But if he ever does, I love you, Dad. And there’s nobody like you in the world. I know that you get hurt and you hide it, but you can show us these things.. Your family, we love you. Its just hard to show sometimes.

 

Suicide Prevention

I have always been the type person who wants to help others. I’be always hated when those I love or even strangers, were in pain or upset. I hate the fact that some people feel so upset or helpless that they feel that there is no way to feel better but to hurt themselves or kill themselves.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes I have dreams and those dreams come true. About five years ago, I had a dream that someone was playing volleyball in the front row on the right and got hit in the head with the ball and collapsed. The next day at practice I was in the same position and I got hit in the head. Needless to say, I collapsed.

There have been other instances when things like this have happened. That’s not the point though. The point is that last week I had a dream that my neighbor committed suicide. Then when I woke up this morning, my mother told me that my cousin had tried to kill herself the night before.

Although my neighbor is okay at the moment, my cousin isn’t. That is why I am writing this article. I have written things on other platforms about selfharm and suicide, along with depression, PTSD , and other things. Right now I am going to write on suicide.

I understand the feeling that things won’t get better. I have been there. Although I never tried to kill myself, I thought about it quite a bit. I couldn’t do that to my family. The only thing that truly kept me from attempting suicide is the fact that I didn’t want to leave my parents and siblings alone.

My point is that I know how it feels to want to die, regardless of whether or not I tried to take that final step. I have friends who want to die and I am constantly trying to make them happy. I am always trying to help them because they are my friends and my friends are my family. It doesn’t matter whether we are related by blood or not, if I care about someone or see that someone is upset I am going to do everything in my power to make them want to stay.

I have stayed up all night talking to people online to try to convey to them that things will get better. People always say that people on the internet who say they are going to kill themselves only want attention, and while that may be the case I don’t want to take the chance that they are really only trying to be given a reason to live because deep down they truly don’t want to die. On all my social media I have in the description that I am here for anyone who needs to talk.

I don’t want for people to feel alone. Not if I can help it. I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to help my cousin, that I didn’t get to her. All that I can truly do is hope that she will get the help that she needs. I don’t want anyone to feel like that… I want to help. So if any of you ever need someone I am here. A lot of people say that but then when you need them they aren’t there. But I am. I have all of my notifications on. I have my social media linked on my home page so I am here. You can dm me or message me and I will reply.

If there is anything that I can do to help I will try. I will leave the information with different hotlines and such if any of you would rather speak to someone who deals with these situations professionally.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 hour service) : 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project (24/7 hotline for LGBT Youth) : 1-866-488-7386